dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
