Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
