she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
