Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
