He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
