so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
