I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
