1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
