The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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