No more Irish car bombs ever.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You are a genius and a whore.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
