so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
