it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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