i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
