Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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