I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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