so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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