If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
