Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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