so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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