I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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