It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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