i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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