fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
