You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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