Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
