Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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