what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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