There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
