Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
