dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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