I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Too much gin, very little bucket
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
