YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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