I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
