just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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