i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
