when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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