My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
