how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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