It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
