I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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