Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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