The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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