i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
