Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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