$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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