On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
wanna go halves on a baby?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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