I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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