what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
