Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
