i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
