After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
