I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
