Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
