Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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