Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
